Fighting

I said I’d moved on and I’ll leave it alone,
But before I walk out there is something that I need you to know:
I got lost in a blink of an eye,
And I can never get back – no, I’ve never got back.
You were not there when I wanted to say
That you were everything that right and it wasn’t you but me that changed
Now I got to go it alone,
But I’ll never give up, no I’ll never give up

You know what?  I can’t trust anybody.

At all.

So I should just kind of give up on life.

But I’m stubborn.

So I won’t.

What am I fighting for?
There must me something more
For all these words I sing,
Do you feel anything?

I just had about five different people betray me in five different ways.  How did I ever think of them as friends?  It turns out that the only people who actually are my friends are people I never felt that close to in the first place.  I find that amazing.

And I can’t trust anybody.  Ever again.

I said I’m ok but I know how to lie
You were all that I had,
You were delicate and hard to find
I got lost in the back of my mind,
And I can never get back, no I’ve never got back
You were not there when I needed to say
I hit the bottom so fast that my head was spinning ’round for days
Now I gotta go it alone
But I will never give up, no, I’ll never give up

So it’ll be my mission to lie a lot now.  And I mean a lot.  Because I walked into this school year with no best friend – he ditched me – and no friends, period.

Plus, I thought there were people I could trust.  Turns out there’s nobody.

You know what?  Fuck you.  I TRUSTED YOU.  You turned around and stabbed me in the fucking back.  What kind of friend are you, anyway?  I don’t need you.  Nobody needs a friend like you.

What am I fighting for?
There must me something more
For all these words I sing
Do you feel anything?

Everything I do feels useless.  Everything I say bites back.  Everyone I meet eventually finds me worthless.

The only solution?  Meet new people.  Never stop meeting new people and doing new things.  Never trust anybody.  Never fall for anybody.  Never, ever trust a best friend with a boyfriend.  And never let anybody see things going on inside.

What am I fighting for?
What am I fighting for….

It feels like I’ve been losing my mind.  I’ll never get any sleep tonight.

Never give up on this [x4]

I’m not giving up on myself.  I’m not giving up on my life.  Yeah, I thought about killing myself today, but for about five minutes.  I won’t kill myself, I won’t hurt myself, I’ll just do what I do – write – and forget about everybody and everything else.  Nobody is worth the words.  Nobody is worth my writing or the writing of any of the amazing authors I love to read.

And if they aren’t worth the words, they aren’t worth my attention.

Said I’m ok but I know how to lie -
But I will never give up, no I’ll never give up

Yeah, I’ll be depressed for a while.  I’ll be upset.

Because it’s hard not to be.

But when it gets down to the matter, I’m kind of stubborn.  I will not give up on anything.  I’ll never give up on myself.  I never give up on my friends.  That’s gotten me into the trouble I’m in, but it’s also kept somebody alive who was worth everything to me.

No giving up.

What am I fighting for?
There must me something more
For all these words I sing
Do you feel anything?

I’m finally finding the things that are worth it.  I’m finally finding out who I am and why I am the way I am.

I am fighting to be who I am, and I’m fighting for my right to be adult.  I will never be a child again, and I don’t want to be.  FUCK YOU.

What am I fighting for? (No I’m never gonna give up, give up)
What am I fighting for? (No I’m never gonna give up, give up)

Nothing is worth it anymore.  Nothing.  I have no friends.  I have nobody to trust.  I don’t care anymore.  All I want is to write.  Nothing more.

Said that I’d fight for the one that I’ve found
I’m gonna stay here while I wait for you to come around.
I fight: you’re apart of me now,
And I will never give up, no I’ll never give up!

Dead!

…is how I’m feeling recently.  Let’s go over the reasons:

Classes.

1. Japanese – a.k.a. The only thing worth LIVING FOR at school.
2. Chemistry – a.k.a. What will be my undoing.
3. Reading Drama – a.k.a. Eye-Burning Squall.
4. Chem Lab – a.k.a. The Place I’ll Blow Things Up In
5. American Government – a.k.a. The place I’ll be eating a lot of Skittles.
6. Personal Conditioning – a.k.a. My personal Hell.

Stupid people.

That’s rather self-explanitory.

And that’s about it.  Too tired to explain in-depth.

My December

I was at the mall with my boyfriend and in need of a short bathroom break.  I looked up from the sink and saw my reflection in the mirror.  And, when I saw myself, I thought: Wow.  I look really good.

I’ve never thought that about myself before.  I never, ever thought I was pretty.  People tell me, but I never believed them.  Well, I did once, but that ended up being a mistake and a half.  So beyond that, I’ve never believed a word anybody said – whether it was Desiree, Jasmine, or Lacey, three of my friends, whether it was my mother, or even if it was my boyfriend.

And certainly my ex-boyfriend never made me feel attractive.

But my boyfriend isn’t the one who made me feel this way.  It was more… it felt like it came from me.  Those kinds of feelings have never come from me before, but I think it had to… and now I feel like I’m strong enough to face this new year that’s encroaching upon me.

An Update on Tediousness

Editing is tedious.

I spent a good amount of yesterday editing various parts of The TECH Project. It’s just kind of… you know… ugh. Right? Very boring, a lot of reading and reading and reading and – oh, change a letter – and reading and reading and reading. I know it’s necessary for the common good and all that… but it’s boring as hell.

Added a new scene into Teenage Drama. That’s about File 17 or something like that in the second half of the novel. Did you know that The TECH Project is around two hundred pages long typed?? Well, you probably didn’t, but it is!

Today’s post is dedicated to things that are inspiring. I’m going to make a list.

• Music

Music is my numero-uno inspiration. I listen to all sorts of music, everything from Jimmy Eat World to My Chemical Romance, Il Divo to Dragon Force, and even the occasional Michelle Branch and Justin Timberlake.

Music definitely keeps me inspired when I feel like writing. All the time. There’s the fun stuff, like MCR’s “Dead!” and “Teenagers” that get my blood pumping and the rest of me dancing around the room, and then there’s the sad stuff, like The All-American Rejects’ “The Last Song” and Il Divo’s “Regresa A Mi” that bring me down and help me work on the sad, depressing parts that all novels have to have at some point.

When you feel writer’s block coming on, definitely listen to some music. May I recommend Riot Like Words, Fly Phoenix, or TheNewsCanWait if you’re bored with your old stuff? All three can be found on MySpace.

• The World

Yes. Sad but true. I sometimes have to resort to the “real world” for my inspiration. I draw from everything: my own experiences, stories my family members have told me, even school gossip. Sometimes, when I hear something, I just latch on and end up with a brand-new story.

For example: last night, I wrote a short story about Zoe Lee, the lead protagonist of The TECH Project. Although she is DEFINITELY based on a certain person in my life, most of what I was writing about when describing her relationship with her father came from my mother’s experiences with her father. (My grandfather suffered a stroke, which left him in a debilitating state.) So, if you use the real world as inspiration, draw from many different sources, your own and that of others.